American Idol

I always watch the season finale results show with something like trepidation, in that it's going to be enjoyable, except for the bits that are really horrible. So! Here's my breakdown of this year's season finale.

I should mention first, I just wasn't hugely tense about it. My wife and I were talking about it last week, and we realized we didn't much care who actually won. Either way, there will be a Blake Lewis CD and a Jordin Sparks CD, and I'll buy them both.

Blake Lewis & Doug E. Fresh (sp?) I had no idea who Doug Fresh was until this moment. This is because I'm a skinny white boy with about as much funk as leftover food (get it? funk?). However, I've enjoyed Blake's beatboxing -- again, something I never expected to like -- and I thought the performance between them was a lot of fun. Not my type of thing, yet I was very happy during it.

Jordin Sparks & Ruben Studddddddddard. I'd never actually heard him sing before. He did a pretty good job. They worked really well together, and it made me happy.

Kelly Clarkson, "Never Again" I really like her. She's got a helluva voice, a lot of attitude, and she seems intelligent enough. That's a big point in my book. She sounds great live, and it made me happy. On a similar note was Gwen Stefani, whose music can make me throw a radio out the window. And yet...I really enjoy it when she just talks. She's so damn normal and cool. It's just her music I can't stand.

Bette Middler: Honestly, I didn't know she was a singer. No idea. I thought she was an actor. I don't know if her mic was off, or what, but her singing...oof. I'll stick with the movies.

Sanjaya and....Joe Perry... Honestly, this is the type of thing that makes you watch this show. You just know Joe Perry went home and got a call from Steven Tyler going "Ha ha, that was so cute! You were a cute couple!" and Joe's like "Shut up, Steven, damn it!" and Steven Tyler's all "You two should exchange shampoos!" and Joe's all "I'm allowed to think about Liv Tyler all I want!" and then Steven hangs up, and there goes Aerosmith.

And that's our segue into the strangest thing ever, which is:

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, etc. songs, done very well by some very good singers.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds....

....WHAT?

Who the hell, on American Idol, said "What we need this year is a tribute to the general drugged-out trippiness that the Beatles had! Let's make sure we get songs that spell LSD, and also songs that say "My friends gonna help me get high." This is TV gold!"

Weirdest. Thing. Ever.

Well, except for maaaybe the Big Bird fat yellow-clothed woman who came on stage and promptly went diving for Ryan Seacrest's tonsils. That might have been the most alarming thing ever. I still say that that bug-eyed kid and the rounder kid are a John Irving novel taking place in real life. Since I don't have any friends who have read John Irving, my Owen Meany jokes all fall on deaf ears, with working mouths that then call me loser.

And THAT...was Idol tonight. I won't tell you who the winner is. But I will say, I'm glad whoever won, won, and I'll buy their CD, and I'll buy Blake Lewis's CD too.

Good night!

Dear America

Hi, America.

I'm over here.

You probably can't quite tell, since it's difficult to see with underpants on your head. But it's okay. I'm sure that's an acceptable look for you, and I won't even suggest you try and take them off without assistance.

Hey, you know that American Idol show thingie that you, America, mash phone buttons to vote on?

How about you...I don't know...like...vote the right people off, or something. Seriously. You voted off Sundance Head in favor of Sanjaya "I'm so pretty" Malakar. I mean, maybe you did really enjoy the strange songs in favor of a great version of "Mustang Sally," but who am I to judge?

(I mean, you should have kept him around because his name is Sundance Head! You don't get any cooler than that outside of the porn industry!)

No, it's okay, I just had to say something. You can go back to stumbling around with tighty whities on your head.

Here's my phone number, for you mash on your phone at. I bet I know someone who's certified to teach you baseball.