Dear America

Hi, America.

I'm over here.

You probably can't quite tell, since it's difficult to see with underpants on your head. But it's okay. I'm sure that's an acceptable look for you, and I won't even suggest you try and take them off without assistance.

Hey, you know that American Idol show thingie that you, America, mash phone buttons to vote on?

How about you...I don't know...like...vote the right people off, or something. Seriously. You voted off Sundance Head in favor of Sanjaya "I'm so pretty" Malakar. I mean, maybe you did really enjoy the strange songs in favor of a great version of "Mustang Sally," but who am I to judge?

(I mean, you should have kept him around because his name is Sundance Head! You don't get any cooler than that outside of the porn industry!)

No, it's okay, I just had to say something. You can go back to stumbling around with tighty whities on your head.

Here's my phone number, for you mash on your phone at. I bet I know someone who's certified to teach you baseball.